Lysol’s Danger Rankings

This isn’t the list of the best teams in the NBA. Or the hottest teams currently (although that is a mild predictor in the factoring of these rankings). These are the teams that scare you, or should. Hope to God that these teams are in the other conference, or at least on the other side of the brackets. Here we go:

1. San Antonio Spurs. It’s not the “they’re the champs until someone beats them” argument. These guys have no remorse in the playoffs, and it doesn’t take long for them to get in your head. Since 2003 they’ve knocked off the Nuggests twice, Suns thrice, Jazz, Lakers, and Mavericks. The Lakers and Mavs returned the favor, but I can’t say I would take either one of them in a seven game series. And Houston, New Orleans and Golden State have one to two clutch players each, not enough to do any damage.

2. Detroit Pistons. When Jarvis Hayes is putting up those kind of points, what are you going to do? The team chemistry in Detroit is always a big deal, but it’s the additions they’ve made since their last championship that make them dangerous. Did you see Maxiel’s block on Tyson Chandler? Their bench is deep, and if Rasheed Wallace decides he gives a shit …

3. Houston Rockets. Now, I’m still not necessarily sold on this team’s streak. The next two games will go far to show what kind of team they are. But if they can keep the spirit of the streak alive, they’ll take you to seven before they cry uncle. Rafer’s flying under the radar in a point guard-driven conference, and Shane Battier is getting my vote for first team All-NBA defensively. But when Deke breaks down, we’ll see how tough this team can stay in the paint.

4. Boston Celtics. Ray Allen and Kevin Garnett may be walking wounded into the playoffs, but they won’t really be challenged until the Conference Finals anyway. Like Detroit, their forwards off of the bench allow a host of options and matchups on both sides of the ball. Abdominal strains are always a nagging bitch, but who knows? Maybe KG is in that much better shape that Shaq that everyday lugging doesn’t hurt as badly.

5. Los Angeles Lakers. Injuries have decimated this team all year, so it really shouldn’t have come as any surprise that Pau Gasol got hurt. It doesn’t help that Luke Walton has forgotten how to pass the ball. They’re currently running with a front court of three power forwards and DJ Mbenga. But their shooting will get back to its previous level, and if Bynum comes back healthy … a big if that may take even longer to resolve.

6. Utah Jazz. The Kyle Korver trade couldn’t have worked better. If they can get anyone else to hit outside shots consistently, then this team can be unstoppable. Mehmet Okur is finally playing like a Jerry Sloan big man, throwing elbows, illegal screens and generally abusing littler players that invade the paint. Boozer doesn’t ever get out of the first quarter of a game before the announcer says “Gee, Johnny, can you imagine if he had stayed in Cleveland. Wow.” Too bad for LBJ, because Carlos is in a much better situation: on a team that can play defense, with a legitimate point guard to hook him up.

7. Cleveland Cavaliers. This is based on the strength of one player. LBJ has one player on his entire team that I might consider coveting if I was drunk enough, and that’s gimpy ol’ Booby Gibson. But LeBron could’ve gotten the Miami Heat to the playoffs if he and Dwayne Wade were traded one-for-one.

8. Golden State Warriors. Baron Davis, according to my fellow Str8ballers, is destined for an injury in the next years. They use this as an argument that the Warriors would be better off, if forced to choose between the two, to keep Monta Ellis instead of the Baron. They’re wrong, but that’s an argument for another time. The best player not to make the All-Star team is capable of outplaying any point guard in the league on any given night. He might not be able to guard them, and Ellis frankly should, but this team doesn’t play defense! Doesn’t matter. They’d be a 3 seed in the East.

9. New Orleans Hornets. Chris Paul will be force to reckon with for years to come, barring injury, and one would hope that his supporting cast would continue to improve. But Bonzi Wells isn’t going to work out: they play team ball, and he couldn’t spell team if you spotted him the “T-E.” Still, C Piddy has 40 point games in him, and there still isn’t anyone in the league who can guard him.

10. Phoeniz Suns. Amare Stoudamire has been cleared for landing in this league. He’s going to get you 30 and 10 from the power forward, and that might be enough when the outside shot is falling. You do have a large weight on this team dragging it down, but Shaquille O’Neal is passing up scoring opportunities I didn’t think he was capable of declining. Nash and Amare are still a potent twosome, but they still can’t guard anybody. Getting rid of Marion was still a huge mistake. Maybe Steve Kerr can trick someone else into trading Shaq for someone who can play defense.